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The Joke Thread
Last post 01-07-2009, 12:22 PM by Tallon41. 622 replies.
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 07-06-2007, 9:31 PM |
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I just thought it would be fun to hear some good jokes on here.
WARNING: THIS THREAD COULD CONTAIN (SLIGHTLY) OFFENSIVE AND/OR CRUDE HUMOR
I'll start...
A man boards an airplane for a trip and as he sits down, he sees the man beside him has a black eye. This amuses him as he has a black eye also. They look at each other and laugh. The first man finally asks, "How did you get that shiner?" The second man replies, "Well, it was a tongue twister. I was at the counter buying my ticket this morning and the girl behind the counter had the most gorgeous boobs I have ever seen. I looked at her and meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburgh, but I actually asked for a picket to Titsburgh. She got p****d off and smacked me one right in the eye." After a good laugh, the second man asked the first, "So tell me your tale, how did you get your shiner?" The second man replied, "Same way, a tongue twister. This morning I was at the breakfast table and meant to ask my wife to pour me a bowl of cornflakes, but I actually said, You ruined my life you stupid b****."
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| 07-06-2007, 9:45 PM |
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| 07-07-2007, 11:45 AM |
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Rangerjoe
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Joined on 07-04-2007
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Virginia
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EggXpert
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What's better than getting a gold metal at the special olympics?
Not being retarded.
P.S. wife is autistic teacher, she is the one who told me....blame her.
Antec 900, q6600, evga 680i T1, evga 8800gtx, zalman 9700, WB 320g x2, seasonic m12 600w PSU, Patriot PC28500 1gx2
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| 07-07-2007, 12:03 PM |
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 Rangerjoe:What's better than getting a gold metal at the special olympics?
Not being retarded.
P.S. wife is autistic teacher, she is the one who told me....blame her.
rofl....
Why was Helen Keller a bad driver? .................. Because she was a woman.
(Guess that was an old one but I still think it's funny...)
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| 07-07-2007, 1:52 PM |
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| 07-07-2007, 3:17 PM |
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Rangerjoe
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Joined on 07-04-2007
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Virginia
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EggXpert
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Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants. Bartender looks up at him and asks "Hey you, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate looks over to the bartender and says "Arrgh! It's driving me nuts!"
Hmm.....sounds funnier than it reads:P
Antec 900, q6600, evga 680i T1, evga 8800gtx, zalman 9700, WB 320g x2, seasonic m12 600w PSU, Patriot PC28500 1gx2
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| 07-07-2007, 9:41 PM |
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netnut
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Joined on 04-05-2007
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USA
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Grade A EggXpert
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I was walking down the street and saw a woman standing by the mail box. She was holding an envelope in her hand and yelling into it. I asked her what she was doing? She said sending voice mail!
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| 07-23-2007, 11:18 PM |
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kunzy
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Joined on 04-10-2007
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it's pronounced (koonzie)
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Diamond EggXpert
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Just got an e-mail from a friend: A
senior citizen named Barney was driving down the freeway, when his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice . She sounded urgent
as she warned him, "Barney I just heard on the news that there's a car
going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Heck," replied Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while. Leaders
of three nations were sitting around a table bragging about their space
programs. The Americans said, "We're planning on going to Mars."
"That's nothing," said the Russians, "We're going to send a man to
Jupiter." The leader of the third country, Jerksvania, said, "We're
going to the sun." The Americans and Russians responded, "You can't go
to the sun, it's too bright!, You'll burn up!" "Well," said the
Jerksvanian, "We're going at night." BILLY: Dad, were you really smart when you were in school?
DAD: Was I smart? Let me tell you, Billy. Why, I was so smart I graduated in the top 95% of my class!!!
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie. PATIENT: Doctor, my memory is slipping. I can't seem to remember anything.
DOCTOR: How long have you had this problem?
PATIENT: What problem? BILLY: Teacher, what is 5Q plus 5Q?
TEACHER: 10Q
BILLY: You're welcome! BILLY: I'd like to buy a round trip ticket, please.
TICKET AGENT: Where to?
BILLY: Well back to here, of course. You can tune a piano, and you can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish. Why do birds fly south in the winter? It's too far to walk What did Paul Revere say at the end of his famous ride? Whoa! CUSTOMER: Do you have spaghetti on the menu today?
WAITER: No, I wiped it off. ZOO KEEPER: Have you ever seen a man eating tiger?
BILLY: No, but once I saw a man eating chicken. BILLY: Mommy, there's a dead fly in my milk.
MOMMY: Well, what do you expect? You know that
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| 07-24-2007, 7:58 AM |
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MeiLing
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Joined on 04-10-2007
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Paragon City
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Diamond EggXpert
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When I was a child there was this one door in the house that my parents told me to never open no matter what I heard behind it. Well into my teens years my curiosity go the better of me and I opened the door.
My eye grew large as I took in the sites. Things I had never actually seen before began to fill my young mind.
Things like trees, grass and a blue sky? ^_-
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| 07-24-2007, 8:09 AM |
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defiledfrog
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Joined on 05-15-2007
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Texas
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Golden EggXpert
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A mental patient walks into a psychologists office wearing nothing but a pair of underwear made out of clear plastic wrap. The psychologists looks at the patient and says " I know why your hear, I can completely see your nutz "
SPECS:
Windows 2kPro
E-Monster 600
1.3Ghz Tualatin Celeron on Powerleap Slocket card
512Mb PC100
Nvidia 5700LE 375/500
40gig WD HDD
1-31-07 Never Forget
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| 07-24-2007, 8:12 AM |
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PROACEX1
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Joined on 05-17-2007
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In a galaxy far far away...
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Diamond EggXpert
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Krull, one of my old buddies from Freelancer, had this little funny story to tell:
"The following question was given for a mid-term chemistry exam at University of Washington:
"Is Hell exothermic (radiates heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
(1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
(2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, ‘That it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you’, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic."
The student got the only A."
The next one he did:
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Respectfully,
PROACEX1
To build a PC or to not build a PC, that is a stupid question...An obvious one too...
By Anonymous, 1929: "See the happy Moron. He doesn't give a d***. I wish I were a Moron-My word! Perhaps I am..."
By Mazer Rackham: "Early to bed and early to rise," Mazer Intoned, "makes a man stupid and blind in the eyes."
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| 07-24-2007, 8:19 AM |
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MeiLing
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Joined on 04-10-2007
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Paragon City
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Diamond EggXpert
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Now that people other than my parents may have seen mei, my family could no longer deny I existed and I was invited to a family wedding. I asked what I could bring for the reception and my aunt said "any thing you like dear." So I got to work on my legendary coleslaw. I was chopping and chopping away on the cabbage when I noticed a mouse's body with no head. "That's odd" I thought "how could a mouse with no head get on the kitchen counter?" But I did not have time to contemplate the possibilities of headless mice as the wedding was coming up soon. So I quickly finished the coleslaw and ran to the church.
The wedding was beautiful, after at the reception I wandered around the food table and marveled at a huge bowl of chocolate pudding. "Your cousin who got married today loves pudding, its her favorite"
"Mine too, its so soft and soothing" I answered my aunt.
"Well then, grab a plate and make yourself at home hun."
Wow!! I grabbed a plate and quickly stripped off all my cloths, climbed onto the table and sat in that big bowl of pudding. It was so soothing!!
Lots of screaming and yelling followed I am still not sure why my aunt would tell me to be at home and then get so upset at mei.
Oh well now it was time for dinner and people could not say enough good things about mei's legendary coleslaw. I was so happy when suddenly my aunt began to choke. I quickly jumped up and grabbed her doing the Heimlich maneuver. Popping out of her mouth came the head of the mouse I saw earlier. Thinking fast I raised my aunts arm and yelled for all to hear.
"We have a winner!!!"
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| 07-24-2007, 8:22 AM |
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PROACEX1
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Joined on 05-17-2007
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In a galaxy far far away...
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Diamond EggXpert
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@MeiLing: 
Respectfully,
PROACEX1
To build a PC or to not build a PC, that is a stupid question...An obvious one too...
By Anonymous, 1929: "See the happy Moron. He doesn't give a d***. I wish I were a Moron-My word! Perhaps I am..."
By Mazer Rackham: "Early to bed and early to rise," Mazer Intoned, "makes a man stupid and blind in the eyes."
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| 07-24-2007, 9:57 AM |
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MeiLing
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Joined on 04-10-2007
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Paragon City
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Diamond EggXpert
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| 07-24-2007, 10:12 AM |
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volfann
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Joined on 04-10-2007
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Rockin In The Free World
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Platinum EggXpert
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Here is the only joke I ever heard my mom tell. It's terrible.
Elephant::"Hey mouse,why am I so big and you are so small?" Mouse: Coughing " cause I been sick."
Bet you can't beat Scoops at trivia. Click the green thingy and give it a try. Use the report button for questionable posts! Keep it private. Abide friend.  Play Eggxpert Trivia Here
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| 07-24-2007, 12:16 PM |
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MeiLing
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Joined on 04-10-2007
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Paragon City
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Diamond EggXpert
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I was thrown through time back to the late 1800s in wild wild west. I staggered into a port side shanty town after 3 days in the desert. I was so thirty for a whisky I might have even drank a beer.
I found the local watering hole and I rolled up to a tall stool and motioned to the barkeep.
"I take a glass of the strongest drink you got!"
"Well now young missy, we are not much for the stronger drinks in these here parts but I dig get mystery barrel just this morning. I have not even tried it myself yet."
"Hook me up old timer" I muttered through my crack bleeding lips.
He turned the nozzle on the dark barrel and ever so slowly a green sticky but slippery goop slid into the glass. Once it was full he handed me the glass and I took a deep drink. My stomach reacted and I spit up the 1st bit with the foul liquid still dripping from my nose I swallowed hard and chugged the rest of it.
"By all that is holy old man that was truly awful!!!"
"Want another young missy?"
"Of course, don't be silly. Oh and keep it coming till the barrel is empty or I am passed out" ^_-
After a few more glasses of the wretched filth I had empted the barrel. By now I was so sick to my stomach I could hardly breath.
"Old man you have to tell mei what that was."
"Working on it" he replied as he used a iron bar to pry open the top of the barrel. Just as it popped off the barrel tipped on it side and out rolled a pickled dead man with straws in his nose.
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| 07-24-2007, 12:20 PM |
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-runs to puke in the toilet-
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| 07-24-2007, 1:20 PM |
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| 07-24-2007, 1:34 PM |
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MeiLing
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Joined on 04-10-2007
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Paragon City
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Diamond EggXpert
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A man suffering hard from leprosy walks into the corner pub and strolls to the bar. The bar keep comes over and the poor sod asks if he can have a beer as the day is hot and his suffering is high. The bar tender tells him no problem as he pours tall glass of cool golden heaven. A few people in the bar look on as he drinks it down and but the person next to him just keep snaking on his chips.
"Oh that beer was good, a true blessing. I really wish I could have another but I saw a few folks get up an leave after watching me drink that last beer."
"Not your fault." said the bar keep as he refilled the glass and handed it back. "Drink your fill."
"Thank you" replied the leper and started to drink down the frosty liquid."
Seeing this the rest of the patrons but the man next to him go up and left the bar in disgust.
"I did enjoy that beer, there is nothing like a tall cold one on hot day like today. But I better be off I have all but scared away all your customers."
"No laddy think nothing of it, I told you it is not your fault. If you would like another beer I would be happy to serve | | | |