EggXpert

Madonna, Britney and Christina

Not in the Pool

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my
testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam."

there is an old lady in the mental hospital, always wearing in black and holding a black umbrella, squatting at the door.

the doctor thought he had to underrstand what she was doing in order to cure her. then he also wore in black, held a black umbrella and squatted with her at the door.

they squatted there silently for a month..the lady eventually spoke..."excuse me, are you also a mushroom?"

---

Baptizing the Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of theUniversity of Alabama in Tuscaloosa.
 
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
 
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
 
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. 
 
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
 
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.
 
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb.
 
The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.' 
 
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.
 
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
 
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrassle.
 
We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.
 
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.' 
 
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
 
He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

---

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson (1939 - 2005)
fatboyHD (1945-



















































I.B.O.T.L

I got one

"Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get."

---

There was a guy.. driving down the road, and this guy is completely green. Green as in, green hair, green eyes, green skins, green shirt, socks, shoes, AND his car was green. Green paint, rims, tires, seats, engine, exhaust fumes... He was completely green.

So this green guy is driving downtown one day, and his car breaks down at Broadway and Main Street. Well, its late in the day, and his phone is dead. However, he notices the house across the street. 

This house is completely purple. Purple steps, purple doors, purple flowers. COMPLETELY purple. So the green guy goes up the steps, and knocks on the door. He waits...

and waits...

and waits.

Then finally a purple lady answers the door. This lady is completely purple. Purple hair, eyes, skin, clothes, shoes, even her nails were purple. So the green guy explains, "Well my car is right over there." and he points, "my phone is dead, and it looks like I might need somewhere to stay for the night..."

The purple lady replies, "Sure! come on in!'

She shows him down to a hall and says, "Choose any room you want!"

So he walks into the room with the black door. He goes in, and EVERYTHING is black. The bed is black, and so is the walls, ceiling, lights, carpet, windows, even the toilet! He says, "I'll choose this room." And he stays for the night.

Well that same evening there was another guy.. driving down the road, and this guy is completely orange. Orange as in, orange hair, orange eyes, orange skins, orange shirt, socks, shoes, AND his car was orange. orange paint, rims, tires, seats, engine, exhaust fumes... He was completely orange.

So this orange guy is driving downtown one day, and his car breaks down at Broadway and Main Street. Well, its late in the day, and his phone is dead. However, he notices the house across the street. 

This house is completely purple. Purple steps, purple doors, purple flowers. COMPLETELY purple. So the orange guy goes up the steps, and knocks on the door. He waits...

and waits...

and waits.

Then finally a purple lady answers the door. This lady is completely purple. Purple hair, eyes, skin, clothes, shoes, even her nails were purple. So the orange guy explains, "Well my car is right over there." and he points, "my phone is dead, and it looks like I might need somewhere to stay for the night..."

The purple lady replies, "Sure! come on in!'

She shows him down to a hall and says, "Choose any room you want!"

So he walks into the room with the blue door. He goes in, and EVERYTHING is blue. The bed is blue, and so is the walls, ceiling, lights, carpet, windows, even the toilet! He says, "I'll choose this room." And he stays for the night.

Well that same evening there was yet another guy.. driving down the road, and this guy is completely red. Red as in, red hair, red eyes, red skins, red shirt, socks, shoes, AND his car was red. red paint, rims, tires, seats, engine, exhaust fumes... He was completely red.

So this red guy is driving downtown one day, and his car breaks down at Broadway and Main Street. Well, its late in the day, and his phone is dead. However, he notices the house across the street. 

This house is completely purple. Purple steps, purple doors, purple flowers. COMPLETELY purple. So the red guy goes up the steps, and knocks on the door. He waits...

and waits...

and waits.

Then finally a purple lady answers the door. This lady is completely purple. Purple hair, eyes, skin, clothes, shoes, even her nails were purple. The purple lady says, "Let me guess, your car broke down, and you need someone to stay for the night."

The red guy is like, "Weird..."

She says, "It's alright... come on in!"

She shows him down to a hall and says, "Choose any room you want!"

So he walks into the room with the white door. He goes in, and EVERYTHING is white. The bed is white, and so is the walls, ceiling, lights, carpet, windows, even the toilet! He says, "I'll choose this room." And he stays for the night.

So all three stay the night, and they wake up in the morning to call the mechanic. The green guy calls first, and says his car broke down at Broadway and Main. The mechanic says, "I'll be there in about 30 minutes."

The orange guy calls next, and says his car broke down at Broadway and Main. The mechanic says, "I'll be there in about and hour."

The red guy calls last, and the mechanic says, "Let me guess, your car broke down at Broadway and Main, and you want me to fix it?"

The red guy replies "Weird. How did you know?"

The mechanic replies, "Gut instinct. I'll be there in an hour and a half."

So, while the three are waiting, the purple lady offers them breakfast, but explains she has only two options for cereal. Well, of the three, the Green and Orange guy eat Cheerios and the Red guy eats Captain Crunch.

(Here's the kicker)

The point of this story is to show that out of every 3 people, two of them will choose Cheerios over Captain Crunch.

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT h***er' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL a**' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

---

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson (1939 - 2005)
fatboyHD (1945-



















































I.B.O.T.L